Gaia
by Hermonthis
Summary: Van/Hitomi - If only she knew how much it hurt not to be close to him. To know that there is not even the slightest chance in heaven that you’ll ever see him again. Not in this lifetime, anyway.


Originally Written: March 12, 2002  (10:23 am)

Revised: February 26, 2004 (4:51 pm)

**Disclaimer:** (hugs Disclaimer) Because without it, the writers would have never created it, the TV networks wouldn't air it, and we fans never would have been able to watch it.

Summary: A frustrated Hitomi contemplates her feelings when she returned to the Mystic Moon.  

**- - -**

**"Gaia"**

"Hitomi?" a voice hails you from behind your bedroom door.  Ignore it and stare at the pages of the history text in front of you.  Or at least try.

"Hitomi?" You hear her again, your mother's concerned tone echoing off the walls and reaching your tired ears.  You respect her, your mother, but right now your thoughts are somewhere else.  You're hanging in limbo, torn between two worlds.

"Yes?" Someone answers, and hardly recognize it as your own.  Has your voice changed that much?  Did you change?  Since when?

But you already know.  A terrible ache burns inside of you and you can't think.  Can't breathe.  Can't see the letters and pictures that you've been staring at for the past three hours.

"Hitomi…" and she opens the door slowly, her footfalls soft on the carpet as your forehead falls upon the desk using your hands for support.  You start crying for reasons unknown.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" Those sweet words flow from her mouth, those torturous, bittersweet words.  If only she knew how much it hurt not to be close to him.  To know that there is not even the slightest chance in heaven that you'll ever see him again.  Not in this lifetime, anyway.

And for a brief moment, you contemplate death.  Would it be better alternative rather than living a life of regret?

"Please talk to me…"  The chair swivels around and you face her.  Your mother.  Your confidante.  Your best friend.  Through your watery-glazed eyes her kind face still shines through like a beacon of light, guiding you through your hardest times.  And you know that she loves you.

And you are grateful for that.

Feeling yourself disintegrate within her comforting embrace, you let it all come out from the depths of your soul.  Suppressed, unshed tears for what could have been the love of your life.  Perhaps he was the one you had waited for these during your younger years, the prince that you've dreamt about in your childhood fantasies, the storybook endings of knights, dragons, and princesses.  It all seemed so real that it was a vision you never wanted to wake up from.

"I love him, mama." You choke through your emotions, mentally scolding yourself for being such a crybaby while your heart tells you to let it all go.  "I don't know why, but I love him…"

And although she says nothing, has no words to say — for there are none that can help take away the pain of solitude — she holds you in her arms as both of you sit upon your bed as the salty teardrops roll down your cheeks and draw patterns on her hands.

And she knows that it hurts.  So much that it will leave a scar on your human core like a crucifix you must carry throughout the remainder of your long journey of life.  _Will it always be this lonely?_

"I'm right here, my baby," she lulls softly to you as the wounding, unkind tears spill forth mercilessly from your oh-so-clear eyes.  An upsurge of broken sobs tears apart your voice box and all that you can do is to hold her tight within your shaking arms.  "I'm right here, Hitomi… right here…"  And despite the ones whom you've already lost in your young life, you know that her words are true.  They always have been. 

Back at the table, underneath the heap of loose-leaf papers, pencils, and notebooks, a scrap piece of parchment holds the consequences of letting him go:

~ * ~

[She writes:]

_I want to run away._

It's been a year since my story has started.  I never wanted it to begin, to continue as I stayed in that foreign land with no friends, no family, nothing.  But as fast as I was taken from my home, I fell in love with this place… and you.

The windmills of my mind are turning, even turning — telling me what I have to do in howling commands that only the broken ones know.  I want to return to that place and find my soul there.  I miss my haven, full of mythological creatures and stories.  The lush, green meadows that remind me of you, the transparent nights bejeweled with the diamonds of the heavens, and the earth — oh, that sweet earth underneath my bare feet as you take me into your arms, smile, and pronounce that I am yours forever.

But it was burned, destroyed.

It all dissolved in a wisp of smoke as the virus ravaged all that I held dear.  I know I should have been careful, I knew it but thought that it would never happen.  Now I have to pay the price.

_I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.  _

There are not enough hours in a day to express how much those three words mean to me, to count down the hours until I can see your face again.  'Til that time, I hide my wings and dream. 

- - -


End file.
